1/11/2017

This week we headed back to court for yet another hearing.  However, this day was different.  It didn't come with the same nervousness and anxiety that other hearing days had brought on.  This day came with an indescribable peace. On this day I sat in the court lobby and took in all the sights and sounds of the vintage courthouse where those who work there had come to know us.  The two ladies who work as clerks greeted us with smiles and asked how we've been and assured us the docket wasn't as full as usual.  No cellphones are allowed in the courthouse so everyone sits and watches what is happening as people are called and come and go to the courtroom.  Seeing people in orange jumpsuits and shackles on their hands and feet isn't something I was accustomed to seeing until we started making our visits to this place.  People usually sit quietly, other than talking to their attorneys or caseworkers.  It seems it's not the place to strike up a conversation with a stranger...which I have been known to do a few times.  This day was different though.  I sat down in one of the old wooden chairs to wait for our case to be called and kept sensing the lady next to me was wanting to talk.  I wanted to take this waiting time to kind of reflect on all the ups and downs we had taken to get to this point.  I had a memory book with me that I flipped through.  I was actually trying to avoid talking to this woman and if you know me, that's not the usual me.  She soon leaned over and asked if my kids were "taken away too?"  In my mind a lot of answers came rushing in but I simply said, No. Now, I could have stopped there but I continued and said, we're foster parents.  She actually looked surprised when I said that.  We were interrupted then and I had to get up for a moment.  When I came back, I found a friend who I hadn't seen in a long time and we spent some time catching up.  But after our conversation was over, I noticed the lady who questioned me was talking to her attorney.  After he left, she turned to me again and asked me if we like being foster parents? Hmmmm...this question had such a complex answer but I simply said, we love our kids, all of them the same.  It's not an easy road to walk but it's so worth it.  Then she told me a little bit about how she ended up in this courtroom lobby and about her child's time in foster care. My heart really did break for her and her child.  Then she asked me the most profound question that just hit me and has stuck with me...dare I say, it's haunted me.  She asked, do you think my child will be okay? I froze.  This mom was looking me straight in the eye with a pleading kind of look...her eyes and expression showed what she was really asking me was, is my child safe? Is my child taken care of? Is my child being shown love?  Is my child having his needs met or exceeded?  IS MY CHILD GOING TO BE OKAY?!?  At THAT instant, it HIT me....the gravity and the overwhelming need that there is for GOOD, LOVING, PROVIDING, SAFE, COMFORTING, CHRISTIAN foster homes so that I can confidently say, Yes, sweet momma who is working so hard to get your child back.   Your child is being provided for, loved, and counseled in a way that is going to help him through the struggles and sadness and abandonment and fear that he is trudging through, and that will help sustain him until he is okay.  Instead, I calmly said, I believe that he will be...but did I really believe this?  I don't know!  I look back and think, what a dumb, insensitive answer!  I have heard about foster homes where kids aren't loved and provided for but viewed rather as a job, and actually had someone say that my husband and I didn't fit "their typical idea of what and who foster parents are."  Yep, I didn't even respond to that. Just a smile and a nod.
This profound moment when all a mother wanted, and needed, was peace that her child was going to be okay, this moment will stick with me forever for so many reasons.  I pray that her child is, and that she is, and that they can be reunited.  If you have ever considered foster care, I challenge you to take the next step to providing peace of mind to moms like the one I met.  I really can't say that we will continue to foster after this is all said and done.  There are a lot of factors.  However, I believe we will always be open and strive to be obedient to the calling of foster care. Tonight, please pray for the moms and dads who have kids in care and are wondering if their kids are going to be okay.  Pray for peace, strength and the wisdom to do what they need to do to be reunited.

As our case was called, this mom who was searching for peace, wished us luck with a big smile and we disappeared into the court room.  During our time in that room, we cried...or sobbed...happy tears, tears of pure relief and joy.  You see,  in that moment we knew our daughter was going to be okay.



Ephesians 3:20 Now to Him who is able to do far more abundantly beyond all that we ask or think, according to the power that works within us....

Caught Off Guard

November 30, 2016

The foster care system has a lot of flaws but for all the flaws, it is still a beautiful journey that will catch you off guard at times.  We were caught off guard today.  My husband and I sat in a courtroom hand in hand as we listened and waited for the judge to make a ruling that would change the course of our life and the life of a precious child forever.  The gravity of that ruling and the depth of our love for this child that we brought into our home and family 18 months ago displayed itself when I found myself fighting back tears.  As the attorneys laid out the case for and against our angel baby's birth parents, my heart grieved for them, I grieved for our little angel baby.  She didn't deserve to be a case number.  She didn't deserve to be the topic of court hearings.  It is really a little difficult to explain all of the emotions.  I was saddened that her parents were missing out on so much. I was saddened that the complex, difficult circumstances of their own childhoods had hurt them in such ways that they could not properly care for their child.  Then I realized that the tears welling up in my eyes were coming from a deep, fierce, and profound love for this child whom I did not give birth too but loved no different than my two children that I did.  These tears caught me off guard.  I glanced at my husband to try to stop the wave of emotions that were crashing over me at that moment but what I saw made me melt even more.  I saw in my husband's eyes the same tears welling up.  Men may not talk much about their emotions or be real emotional about much but I believe the one area that can always make a man emotional is their children.  At that moment, I saw the depths of the love for this little girl in the tears of her daddy.  Tears that were uncontrollable, tears that had the judge, defense and states attorneys all tearing up.  There is no doubt that this little one has found where she belongs.  Our hearts could not contain our love in that courtroom so it overflowed through our eyes.  For all the flaws, the system got it right today and the door was opened for us to become a forever family...now we have tears of joy.

10 Years Later...

New Years Eve...the night of one of my most challenging experiences as a wife, and adult for that matter.  It was 10 years ago today that Roger went into emergency surgery for what the doctors thought was appendicitis.  When the doctor came out of surgery, he sat down next to me with a very concerned look and told me that my husband was a very sick man and was lucky to be alive.  He had just done one of the most memorable surgeries of his career.  He explained that Roger's appendix had been wrapped around his intestine and had gangrene.  It had began to kill off part of his intestine.  He had to remove a portion of the damaged intestine but the big concern was the gangrene infection.  He warned me that he would be in ICU and was not out of the woods.  That's the moment I was really faced as an adult with how fast life can change and how meaningless so much of what we focus our life and attention on really is.  I had two very young boys who needed their daddy!
Roger would go on to spend more than a week in the hospital with no progress in his healing.  The doctor scheduled the same surgery for the 10th day because he believed Roger had a bowel blockage caused from the first surgery.  We were beaten down.  Roger was in pain and exhausted from being so miserable for so long.  I was exhausted from worry and running between the hospital and home.  The morning of the 9th day a friend of mine came by the hospital and wanted to take me to lunch.  We went to the hospital cafeteria and I was telling her I just couldn't imagine Roger having the same surgery and starting the whole healing process all over again after all he had already been through. What I didn't know is that while I was gone to lunch, my husband was having a heart to heart talk with the Great Healer.  To hear him describe this moment gives me goosebumps but after this talk,  nearly immediately his bowels began working.   I came back from lunch to see him juggling his IV and gown as he shuffled out of the bathroom in is room.  The smile on his face said it all!  In 8 hours he went from seriously ill, scheduled for major surgery the next morning, to going home! We were home that night and he will tell you it was all because God's healing.  His doctor said he had no medical explanation for his healing and was really surprised that he would not be doing surgery on him again.
Fast forward 10 years later and here I am looking back over this past year, and how our lives drastically changed in nearly an instant once again.  We had a little time to pray, to have some heart to heart talks with God and each other, and consider what we were meant to do.  When the phone call came, we said yes.  What we were really saying yes to was focusing on more than us.  We said yes to the calling on our hearts to offer our love and our family and our home to a child. Eight hours after that phone call we were headed home from the hospital again, this time as a family of five.
These two moments were big moments in our lives as individuals, as a couple, and as a family.  Big things are going to happen in our lives...big good and big bad.  We have a choice in how we handle everything.  We have a choice on if we focus on the pain or if we turn to the One who can relieve the pain.  We have lives that we are living and we have a choice on if we focus on living more FOR ourselves or more THAN ourselves.  What will your focus be in 2016?

Simply Love

People have asked how our adventure is going and while there's not much we can share, I want to share this...When we brought the most precious baby into our home it happened rather fast...like 8 hours. Our heads were spinning a bit but that was okay. We knew a little of what we were getting into.  We knew that it may be for just a little while. We knew "awhile" could mean 2-3 years....then we learned that "awhile" could possibly mean forever.  We knew this would be rollercoaster journey.  One that might test our stamina, our faith, our trust of "the system." We went in with our eyes wide open and very aware of all the risks of grief and heartache.  We also knew it would be a precious, amazing time in our life, and a huge blessing, no matter the length of time.
We are now several months into this journey, and we have found our new normal. Most days are spent living just a normal life as a family of five.  We attend church, family gatherings, have friends over, go out to eat, have movie nights, and lay around the house just being a family, a family of five.  As if this is how our family will always be.  Then there are those days that remind me that we're not just a "normal" family of five.  Family visits, court dates, paperwork, caseworker visits, calls and more paperwork.  Recently, Roger was talking to someone who asked how old our kids are now.  He told them how old the boys are and stopped there...a reminder that we aren't able to share the story of the littlest among us because she's not "ours."  Legally she may not be ours but in our hearts she is just as much ours as our sons are.
Most days there is a great, indescribable peace about where we're headed and what is going to happen in the future.  Then there are those times when the stress of the uncertainty is heavy. It's usually brief but enough to make me feel like my head may explode from holding my breath waiting to see what the outcome of this part of our story...of her story...will be.
Isn't this the case with so many things in our lives? Living with uncertainty.   It can strain our hope, blind our faith and cause us to look to what we can do to control the outcome.  I have found myself mumbling the words, God is Sovereign, over and over again at different moments the last several months.  In my life, my family's life, and in the lives of all the children in foster care He IS sovereign. We see Him in all the details of our story.  God loves us, people!! And that is something we so easily forget and forget to share with others.
I have come to learn and understand that foster care, while extremely complex, is really simple....it is love.  A willingness to jump all in and love without boundaries, just like we are loved.  That's all it really is.  We love.  Everything we do, our willingness to ride this ride through the ups and downs and loopty loops is solely because of our ability to love...and love fiercely.   So we'll just continue living love with our normal family of five, and be inspired daily to look for more ways to simply love others.

A Promise Kept

Tonight I lay here slightly exhausted with lots of thoughts I've felt I need to share for a couple of weeks.  We celebrated our "baby" boy's birthday today and it was a great day.  The last few days I have been reminded repeatedly of what the last eight years of his birthday brought on, which was bittersweet feelings because he was getting older, which meant I was getting older,which meant time for adding another child to our family was slipping away with each passing year.  You see, from the time he was born I felt as though we were meant to have another child...boy or girl didn't matter...just another child.  There just seemed to always be a reason or excuse.  But I'm here to tell you that when it's God's plan, there is no stopping it and no excuse will keep Him from keeping a promise.
The "ideal" time to become a party of five was following a time that we fostered nearly nine years ago.  It was at the end of this six month time of fostering that I was frustrated, exhausted and truly at my wits end.  I was a stay at home mom who was trying my best to handle the challenges of caring for four kids under the age of five...two being our boys.  I experienced my first heart palpitations due to stress during this time.  I'm talking, crazy time in our history.  On top of the struggles of fostering, I knew it was the "prime time" to think about another child of our own but my smart and realistic husband was totally not in agreement. Im not sure I can express the frustration and despair of those days in this post...it would be too long. I went to bed one night and ended up praying diligently for hours, and really just letting God have it for putting me, us, my family in this position.  He put us in the position of being a foster home for family and now it wasn't working out, it was too much but I couldn't give up...but I couldn't keep going.  And then to sacrifice the future of my family for this? God, really?!...That's where my mind and heart was, Really, God?! and then, after several hours, it turned to, I surrender. I surrender this foster situation, I surrender my desire for another child. And with that I drifted off into a deep, emotionally exhausted slumber. Here's where the promise came.  That night I had a dream. In the dream there was a baby in our home, and I knew he/she was ours.  There was a person who's face I couldn't see standing to the side.  I woke with the most profound peace knowing two things: God had control of the foster situation and we would have another child.  I truly felt like He had promised me these two things that night.  Within two days, the foster situation was resolved in the most amazing, "only God" kind of way.  I was ready for Him to keep promise number two!...little did I know then it would be more than a year, or two, or five.

After fostering, Roger and I agreed to give ourselves a year to get our kids, marriage and lives kind of back to "normal." Fostering had brought a lot of tension into our house so I agreed that that was a wise decision.  Nows a good time to say that that fostering time wasn't all bad. I will always remember Roger saying that time of fostering showed him that he could love a child that wasn't biologically his, as his own.  Little did I know then how profound that statement would become years later.  Back to our agreement...This was about the time of our youngest son's third birthday. When his fourth birthday was drawing near, I brought up the idea of another child and Roger was again the wise and realistic husband. I agreed that we should wait and so we continued along with life.  I went back to work, so that was a good excuse to put off an additional bundle of joy.  Then I went back to school for an endorsement and then a masters degree.  At this point our boys were just easier, life was easier and the wise husband wasn't convinced.  But I had hope in a promise that someday, somehow, we would be visited by the stork. 

Fast forward to December 2012, I just wasn't ready to totally give up hope but decided that after I turned 35, I wasn't having any more children. Time was ticking! I had another deep talk with God on the night of Dec. 3rd. I asked for discernment...God, was I mistaken about the dream and promise that I've been holding on to for five years?? Please show me if this hope in a promise is something to keep holding onto.  The next day, I got on Facebook to find that I had a notification that a friend from church had posted on my timeline. Now, Sara is on the praise team I sing with and we are friends but we don't visit weekly and she certainly had no idea what was going on it my heart. This was her post:

Do you have chills?! Reading this after my talk with God the night before gave me chills...and continued hope.  I still was set on no children after 35 years old. Well, life continued and I turned 35 and my hope dimmed.  I was content...or so I told myself.  However, any close friends knew I wasn't opposed to another child.  All the years that had passed was really due to Roger and I not being on the same page and we HAD to be on the same page for this.  We were on the same page, eventually, with building a house and so we did.  We went from four bedrooms to three bedrooms with the intention of someday putting two bedrooms in the basement for the boys when they're older.  This decision to have only three bedrooms on the main floor sealed the deal in my mind that we were done.  No more babies, said my brain.  God promised, said my heart. 

During the week of Christmas 2014, something happened that would shake what little hope my heart was holding onto.  I had an early stage miscarriage, meaning basically before I even knew I was pregnant, I miscarried.  It wasn't easy to accept this. In fact, I have only told a handful of people...actually, some family won't know until now. This wasn't something I wanted to talk about nor do I really want to share it in this post.  However, I feel it's importsnt to share because it was an important moment in our journey to get where we are. You see, my heart was broken...but I chose to cling to a little thread of hope.  I was literally hanging by a thread to God's promise. Even though I didn't understand why we had to go through that loss, I knew three important promises...someday I will hold that child, God is working on my behalf and He loves me beyond measure.  So I trusted and life continued. 

Fast forward to May 2015...I'm not sure how much I can share of how we became foster parents again it but I will share that God obviously orchestrating it.  The day I asked Roger if he was willing to foster a baby, he was all in right off the bat. No hesitation.  We were FINALLY on the same page.  My prayer had always been that when it was time, we would be on the same page. That's I began to have more hope.  Then I prayed that the timing would have to totally work out because I could not handle adding a baby to the mix at the end of the school year.  Guess what? The first day of summer vacation is when we brought her into our home. There are details in this part of the story that make me so excited to share because it screams, God is in control! But I will have to save them for now.  

We are older than I planned (I'm 36!), we have fewer bedrooms, the child isn't biologically ours and she may only be with us for a season....but none of this matter.  What matters is God's timing and plan is more perfect than we could ever imagine.  He restores and He keeps His promises!  The Bible is full of promises....literally thousands of promises that we can declare by faith.  

So here I lay tonight, totally in awe that my heart is full and completely content.  I do not know what the future holds for our foster situation.  I just know that we have another child to care for and love, and THAT is a promise kept. 

Up for a Challenge? #dontforgetdecember

You will need to read the previous post before reading this one......I've thought a lot about last night and the moment I let slip by.  I've thought of how may times in a day I can do simple things to shine my light.  I've thought of those in the world who are hard to love on. You know who I'm talking about....those that you see as strange, odd, stinky, different, greasy...need I say more??  I'll say it, I like my box! I like my little world where I'm not faced with people who make me uncomfortable!  If there are two children standing in front of you and one is clean without a blemish, smells like apple blossoms and has on clean clothes that appear to have been starched,  and the other child has on clothes that may have been worn a few days without washing, and their hands and face look to have gone a few days without a good scrub and they smell of stale cigarettes.....which one will you be more apt to love on??  Be honest!  I'll be honest...the clean smelling one!  And I am totally honest and sad to say that is the one I would naturally be drawn to.  But the boy that needs some soap would make me uncomfortable just like blond dreadilocks.  The blond with dreadlocks, dreadilocks as I've come to caller her, was certainly outside of my box.  She, like the dirty boy, made me uncomfortable.  But not in a way that you may think.  It wasn't that I was scared of her...I felt for her.  I felt compassion for her.  Was she alone in the world, did she have a family, did she have an addiction ruling her life, did she feel loved??  The fact that I couldn't bring myself to take the time to stop and see if she was okay, or in need, THAT makes me uncomfortable.  Now, I don't always feel this about every person on the side of the road, or every person I see that I don't know who looks like they are in need.  That makes me feel even more uncomfortable that I didn't stop! Something was working on me.  I have always felt and strived to act on those "feelings"...the ones that are laid on your heart and you just can't shake.  Even my car was trying to force me to stop and I STILL didn't stop. 
This leads me to another feeling I can't shake...that I need to share this and challenge anyone who reads this to a Don't Forget December challenge.  Here's the challenge....do something everyday that is outside of your daily "duties"....something that is outside of your box....something that shines your light and shows His love.  When you do something, post a simple #dontforgetdecember on Facebook or Twitter.  Now, this IS NOT a "Hey, look at me and what I did" post...this is a "Hey, look what God is doing through me! He can do the same through you!" As Christians, we want to be humble and not share our works, and that is great as the Bible tells us that we shouldn't let our left hand know what the right is doing....but sometimes we need to be an encouragement and a guide to others with ideas of WHAT to do and ways to shine their light.  If you want to post an act with your hashtag, great.  If not, that's fine too.  It's not all about what we do in our box, our church, our homes, our everyday lives.  It's about seeing those moments in the grocery store parking lot and not letting them slip by.  So, are you up for this month long challenge to focus on your purpose of being more than who you are right now? If so, stock up on chocolate bars and be on the lookout for moments....you may just change a heart or a life.  Perhaps even your own. #dontforgetdecember

Don't Forget December

Here it is again...that month of the year that is consumed so easily with gift buying, parties, and festivities focused on the baby in the manger who came to save us all.  But don't forget....that baby grew up to teach and leave us with more than a way to Heaven...He left us with a purpose.  A purpose so great, and so challenging, yet we often lose sight of it in the chaos of life.  We get so caught up being who and what we chose, teachers, moms, dads, bankers, doctors, etc., that we forget what He chose us for....to be His hands and His feet....to love the unlovable.....to act on our faith in Him with actions of love towards others.  Be very clear, you can absolutely work for Him through your career and daily life but He is asking for more....more than me....more than you....more than the daily duties that you are already fulfilling.  As I was leaving the grocery store today, I saw a young woman with dreadlocks standing out at the end of the parking lot with no cars near her.  It was safe to assume she was either nomadic, homeless or waiting for a ride but either way, I sensed she was lost....perhaps literally and figuratively.  As I drove past her, I thought of my grandma Dot who was known to pick up hitchhikers...she always said you never know when a hitchhiker is an angel in need.  I think of her saying that every time I see someone on the side of the road....but I've never stopped to offer a ride.  There are CRAZY people in this world! They could do harm to me....all these thoughts are going through my head in a matter of seconds as I'm driving past this girl with the blond dreadlocks. Then all of a sudden, my car did this crazy thing, the traction control came on.  It causes my car to kind of slow and make a weird sound...but all I was focused on was this girl in my rearview mirror.  I slowed for a few seconds until my traction control went off and then continued on my way.  All the while thinking of this woman....wondering....is she lost, is she homeless, is she on drugs, does she have a family....but I didn't...I didn't stop even though my car wanted to.  As I sit here tonight, by a warm fire, with a loving, health family, I can't help but think my car having this strange issue at that moment when there was no reason for the traction control to come on and when remembering my grandmother, was God's way to reminding me to not forget my purpose!  Why didn't I stop the car, offer something and show His love?! Maybe all I had was the Hershey's chocolate bar with almonds that I was getting ready to inhale, but I bet He can do a lot and open a lot of doors with a Hershey's bar.  I failed tonight, as I do a lot, but thanks to His grace, there's tomorrow.   So this will be Don't Forget December for me....don't forget His purpose for you.  Oh, and you might stock up on Hershey bars and carry them with you.  I'm confident He can do great things with just a Hershey's bar. #dontforgetdecember

Matthew 25:37-40
 Then the righteous will answer him, ‘Lord, when did we see you hungry and feed you, or thirsty and give you something to drink? When did we see you a stranger and invite you in, or needing clothes and clothe you? When did we see you sick or in prison and go to visit you?
The King will reply, ‘Truly I tell you, whatever you did for one of the least of these brothers and sisters of mine, you did for me.’
 
Matthew 28:19-20
Go therefore and make disciples of all nations, baptizing them in the name of the Father and of the Son and of the Holy Spirit, teaching them to observe all that I have commanded you. And behold, I am with you always, to the end of the age.”
 
Matthew 5:14-16
You are the light of the world. A city set on a hill cannot be hidden. "Nor do men light a lamp, and put it under the peck-measure, but on the lampstand; and it gives light to all who are in the house. "Let your light shine before men in such a way that they may see your good works, and glorify your Father who is in heaven.